So, if Jasper Carrott couldn't get his head around his Betamax video in 1986, he's got bog all chance of being able to read this - so here goes:
JASPER CARROTT - YOU ARE NOT FUNNY. YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN FUNNY. YOU ARE A CRAP ERIC IDLE (AND HE'S BEEN FAIRLY CRAP TOO SINCE ABOUT 1979). GO AWAY. Oh, you have.
Now I'm listening to BBC Radio London and they've got some bloke who appears to be the bastard lovechild of Simon Bates and Tony Blackburn wibbling away. Oh - hang on - I've just checked, and it is Tony Blackburn! I can see him (and his rug) on the studio webcam right now! Fuck me. Well, if I was running BBC Radio London (a job which I may well be applying for soon..), I'd have Blackburn on all day, every day. His pleasing mix of 60's soul and inane, moronic wittering cannot be beaten.
(Choice comment from Blackburn: "I only have one thought a day". You're not kidding either, are you, Blackburn? You thought-facist.)